I hate for my journal to turn into a place to express my pain, but at this point it needs to be that way.

Every day I think about Charles. I'm torn between anger and emotional pain. He has hurt me so bad and I love him so much. I just don't understand how he can be this way. Today is Halloween. This used to be my favorite day of the year... now he has taken that from me as well. I had dealt with Mom dying on this date (an hour earlier than I started this entry). I knew mom wouldn't want me to remember her with tears every year. Maybe that's partially why she choose this date...plus I guess if you have a choice Halloween is kinda a cool day to go.

This morning I can't get Charles out of my head. I had been trying to help him (the night of the big fight). I was trying to tell him when his rages started. Now that I think about it it he did it visiting me in California as well, but I didn't think of it at the time. My first memory was here on Halloween the year I moved here. He had fallen asleep with instructions to me not to let him sleep. After repeated attempts to keep him awake I let him sleep for an hour and woke him. He exploded...screaming and yelling at me for no reason. I was explaining this and he got real dark and said not to ever mention that date to him again because "his" mother died on Halloween!!!! He went on to kick me out of my own family.

I try not to keep letting him hurt me but things like this are really hard to let go of.

I was taught to forgive, but how can I ever forgive him... that in itself breaks my heart.

My older (half) brother says my dad told him he was afraid of Charles. My poor dad..... he must have been so worried about me. I wish he had warned me... maybe he tried.

I think I'll go cuddle up with my kitties. They love me.

My parents are both dead. I lost my mom on Halloween a few years ago.... I got the call about my dad today. It really sucks. When my mom died I found out because the mortuary wanted to know what to do with her body. My dad died last week and a got the call today from a stranger who had nothing to do with it. My parents were both in a constant care hospital. They are supposed to call if there were any changes.... guess they forgot again.

I promised myself I would not do the regret or why didn't I... or I wish I had stuff. I sat here tonight and talked to him. I know that he understands and he's back with my mother in time for their anniversary. The things I needed to tell him I couldn't... it would have hurt him. My father was a recovered alcoholic with over 40 years of sobriety

I couldn't tell him about my brother...which I needed desperately to talk to him about... how could I say his son was a delusional drunk who couldn't tell dreams from reality and worst yet he treated me .... really bad, verbally and emotional abusing me. It was like he was 2 people... his voice and eyes would change. He was living here and during his last 48 hours he never called me by name...I was the bitch, the cunt, the stupid bitch, etc.... the final straw was he threatened to hurt me. I made him leave and haven't allowed him in here since then without someone with him and an appointment. He was talking to a friend and was like "she knows I'd never hurt her. I know he wouldn't but I don't trust this person he becomes... I still cry when I hear his voice in my memory... that's not my brother.

My dad could have helped me alot with this, but his heart was failing. I know he had to know to a point ... I know Charles must have told him I threw him out. I'm sure he leaves out the part where he told me he was moving. I threw him out 2 days later after he threatened me.

Dad, I love you and I am happy to remember you strong and healthy and  with mom as I know you are now. 

PounceQuick Roofshadow



I asked him to say hi to all the kitties waiting for him and to give Alice a neck rub.

Pounce was a huge "Lovelug". He has had alot of health issues this year and no one could figure out what was wrong with him.

Originally we found him on deathrow at the pound. He was unadoptable because he was a HUGE kitten with a very broken tail. When we got him his tail was an issue which we worked and worked on. Eventually we straightened it and Pounce repaid us by now minding anyone touching it. Over the past few years he purrfected the Pouncey massage....man that cat knew how to give a neck rub!
He will be missed by all and loved forever.

I can imagine him running and playing with Anastasia, Phillip, Vincent, and Morpheus.  I sent him on with a fur mouse and a lattuce ball so he could play fetch with Alice. He's pain free and healthy again and with all the love ones seperated from us by Death's hand.

Love you Pouncey Bouncey Pouncey Pounce

 2nd
I have the money for my taxes!!!!The auctions aren't over yet.... I'm at $539.00!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!!!! It's hard to not go buy crazy. I decided I would treat myself at the end of the month if I had money left. I did buy a pizza and spend 40.00 on groceries.

I should have the house taxes paid by the end of the week.  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

August 2nd, didn't get to pay them....

First you have to understand my relationship with my cat Shiva. He's my best friend and I love him so much. We have been through alot together... He's a hairless cat (Sphynx) and also an insulin dependant diabetic. Next where I live. According to the news media we have a unique weather condition here that sometimes makes it impossible to predict our weather. The weather sreams converge over our state producing many surprizes including one of the worst storms in a long time... trees were uprooted...there was flooding, snow, roofs torn away or smashed.... we had no warning that this storm was coming.

That morning instinct woke me up...I checked on Shiva and something was wrong...he couldn't stay standing. I rushed him to the bathroom where I have his kit and he fell over and went into seizures. I was calm but hysterical. I knew that he was dying and had to get him to a vet. After waking all my neighbors I finally got him to a hospital. His body temp is normally 102 it was 75 degrees by the time I got him there.

Because they didn't know if he would survive they kept him there. I was suposed to call and maybe pick him up later or the next day. They made it clear that he might not make it. As I was leaving it started to snow...HUGE flakes. By the time I got home all hell was breaking loose. A few hours later we lost power and phones. Stores closed due to no power...gas stations went down so there was no extra fuel for generators.

I did well without power. My other cats and me just cuddled under extra blankets at night. I put blankets in doorways and over windows. I just got as much as possible done during the day light and went to bed early. Thankfully I had flashlights and a lantren (sp?). My fridge started warming up so I moved everything to the freezer. Ate leftovers and canned goods.

What was bad was I didn't know if Shiva was alive. No one was at the office which meant he was alone most of the time... he has no fur and they had no heat. I normally would have had a polar fleece shirt on him but was so rushed I didn't bring one. It was three days I will never forget. I'm sure he won't either. On the third day I noticed I got a signal on my phone if I held the rail on my stairs. So I started calling the vet and begging to know if he made it...I called my vet too...he was really upset over the situation and eventually they called me and I picked up the little guy. He had a big sore on his side and looked like hell. Luckly they had some fairly cold insulin which they gave me for him.


Shiva made it and is still doing well. He just came up to "help" me finish this.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!   I have the money for my house taxes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have the extra I need for food this month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a little extra to celebrate with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can buy catnip!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Where did that come from????? catnip????

I'm up to $300.00 and the auctions have days to go still. I'm hoping for bidding wars at the end.

I might even be able to relax a little this month... it's been so long. Every month it's the same thing... I'm out of money and waiting for my checking account to overdraft. Last month it was nickles and dimes, but I didn't even have that.

I'm soooooooooooooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I break 400.00 the cats get sashimi! Hear that cats....SSSAAAASSHHHHHHIIIIIIMMMMIIIIIIII! Get that cat energy flowing.

Lalena is going through a thing..... I really wonder if female cats go thru the same teenage crisis that human teenagers do. She gets really upset when Charles points out her belly or doesn't give her enough attention then she loses it because a piece of lint blows by... But hey she is a cat and a teenager. Right now she's kinda sitting on Fleshy sleeping. He's growing up too... I have to admit it does my heart good to see him stand up to her. He growls at her.... that is a good step for him...normally he's just a total whimp.... but a very sweep whimp.
She is still a sweetheart and will go belly up for me in a second. She can be soooooooooooooooooo cute.

She still loves her Bela Bela Belly Rubs.... I don't think she'll outgrow those.

Death is only physical... we defeat death with memories.

NEVER FORGET!!!!

Okay...enough for the week... have you considered taking a vacation????

This was so unexpected....its hard to believe in a way. I send all my best to Michael and the millions who love him.

He brought happiness and smiles to sooooooo many people

I am a long time fan as well.... Who's life has Michael not touched? He's always been there... in a way we grew up together.
He was (and stll is in my eye) an incredible artist. He felt and lived his music. Now he is dancing into the arms of God.

I'm sure Alice will be there for Michael's first tour through Heaven.

It makes me smile to think he is still dancing.

Bless you Michael

I am very sad for Farrah and her family. After watching what Alice went through with cancer in her liver I am relieved for them as well. It's over her pain has stopped. She's happy and radiant again...... smiling in heaven.

Alice said somethings in reflection of life and death... one thought sticks in mind. She said that she had it easy.... I have to live without her and go on.

Yes it is hard.... but we live on but as long as we remember them  they live on too.

Best wishes to Farrah and all those who love her

OMG!!!! I have been crying happy tears!!! I posted my wish at a site to get help with Shiva's insulin and a lady just wrote to me and offered to pay for it.

This site is amazing... if you really need something (anything) make a wish there

http://wishuponahero.com/

Kitty on The Closer" passed away


Poor baby

You can't get a 50 50 Bar effect by mixing Shasta orange soda and milk...It clots

If you try and save blood in a cool little vile with snakes wrapped around it you'll find it's very disappointing. After a day or so the blood separates from the white blood cells. So you end up with this red muck with what looks almost like an oil floating on it.

Maggots give off heat

Household bleach is a true miracle cleaner.... even gets rid of ants.

AAA batteries and AA batteries are the same power wise... just a different physical size

B batteries exist. I bought a clock from Hot Topic that used them.... Never managed to replace it

Fish get diareah (spell check didn't have a proper spelling)

I always stay up all night

I just invited my best friends... I hope they show up. It would be cool. I have been so out of touch with everybody and I really miss everybody. ALso mayme someone can teach me how this thing works....lol! Well I'm off to feed my naked guy, his adoptees, mate, and uncle Pounce. I'll be back for SHiva's post,,,, where is Shva? He's waiting in the hallway just to be sure I feed him...lol...I love my boy!

I'll be putting up more pics soon too. I'm having alittle hand trouble.